On Lulling

We're still very much in a lull.

Are we excited about adding to our family? Yes.

Are we keen to get to panel so that we can start looking forward to getting a match? Yes!

Is it the main thing going on in our lives right now? No... not really, no. 

Which is weird. And we've been trying to work out why this is how we're feeling. I feel a bit guilty about it to be honest; trying to explain it to our social worker earlier on didn't help either because I think I may have inadvertently given the impression that we weren't bothered about being in this process, which is not at all how I actually feel. Some writing is therefore in order, I feel, to help clarify what and why I'm feeling at the moment. 

Last time, we were first time parents. We had dealt with four years of trying to have a baby naturally (I say 'dealt with;' it's not the sort of thing you ever deal with in a concrete way, but you know...) and were pleased to have landed on the adoption process runway. It wasn't a quick decision or something we rushed into; instead it had been on our minds and had been growing in our hearts for a few months as we slowly came to the conclusion that we weren't going to fall pregnant. And then it was all pedal to the metal: home visits, paperwork, courses, medicals, paperwork, phonecall, questionnaires, observations, paperwork, home visits, forms, courses, etc. It wasn't all consuming, but it was consuming. And that was fine. We enjoyed having a focus, being busy with an end point in sight. But this time, partly because the process is different here (more about this in another post), and partly because we have Bounce, and partly because I'm working doing something I really enjoy instead of slogging away as an unhappy teacher; for all these reasons, and probably more, it doesn't feel like it's taking up much space in our lives. 

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

It's possibly healthier. I don't think obsessing about anything is a good thing, whether it's your children, your diet, your job, your house, your bank balance - it's not healthy. Balance is good. And so while I don't think we obsessed about it last time, it probably overtook a little, which was fine, but it's nice to feel this time that we can still pursue other things, and hopefully have more a patient outlook as we wait. 

But then also it feels wrong. We are having a baby. We don't know when, we don't know anything really - but we are having a baby, and this is Big with a capital B. I don't have that excitement bubbling away inside, I don't feel broody really, and Hubby and I don't often talk about it. Surely we should do!? 

It doesn't help that today's home visit was our first in almost a month, and we've not had any homework to complete in that time apart from an online DBS application which takes all of about five minutes. So in the most literal terms, it's taken up next to none of our time over the past four or five weeks. Also I've started a new job, doing some part time work, which has been hectic and busy and really fun, so that's taken up a lot of my thought-life, as well as my spare time. 

And perhaps, finally, it's also to do with others. If my belly were growing big with impending child, it would probably naturally become the focus of lots of conversations. Friends and others asking how I'm doing, checking for updates or scan photos or whatever. But with a prospective adoptive parent, those small-talk conversations which shunt the upcoming baby into the forefront of your mind (if they're not already there!), don't really happen in the same way. Perhaps, with adoption, it's easier for friends and family to forget. Perhaps they asked me how things were going last time we chatted, and they don't feel the need to ask again yet. Perhaps they don't know how much I even *want* to talk about it. Perhaps they don't want to offend, or are fearful of using clumsy language or upsetting me or something. All of these things are fine with me, in fairness. I wouldn't want it to dominate, in any sense; I wouldn't want to sound like a broken record. But perhaps these reasonings do help me to understand more about why it feels like we're in a bit of a 'dry patch.' 

So. Some conclusions: 

 - I'm not obsessed about the adoption: Good Thing

 - I'm excited deep down: Good Thing

 - I have lots of other stuff going on in my life: Good Thing

 - I don't talk to Hubby about it very often: Not a Great Thing - - - do this more

 - I don't pray about it enough: Not a Great Thing - - - do this more

We've got a new social worker and I'm freaking out

I've been wobbling a bit this week. 

We were told that our lovely social worker, Billie, was leaving her post to move to a new job, and so we would be allocated a new social worker, Helen. 

Also, one of our home visits had to be rearranged, because of the new social worker, to a weekday morning which meant that I had to ship Bounce out to a friend's house when really we just need some quality time together. 

Also, we are being asked to consider Foster For Adoption (FFA) because we want to adopt a baby, and where we live most placements of babies occur on an FFA basis. (I'll write about this in another post because otherwise this post will be ridiculously long!)

So it's been a wobbly week.

Meeting Helen went really well, especially if you ignore the incredible meltdown Bounce had, timed to perfection just as everyone arrived at the house. She is very nice, interested in us and in Bounce, friendly and approachable - all of which are brilliant. Brilliant because with our first adoption we got on so, so well with our social worker, Sarah, and felt completely comfortable with her, meaning that this time around the bar was quite high. We were well aware of how different we might find the process if we didn't feel at ease with our allocated social worker, and we have often commented over the past couple of months how lucky we felt to have landed Billie to work alongside this time round. So it's great that Helen is so nice.  

The wobble-inducing problem is that this is her first adoption assessment. She is an experienced social worker but hasn't done one before, instead working on fostering assessments. I suppose it's nice that we'll be her first, and I know that in general we're a fairly straightforward case which I guess is a good way for her to be 'initiated'. But already it's been clear that this is going to have a fairly big impact on the process for us. I spent the whole morning the other day with her just repeating stuff that I've already told Billie, and that we've written in our assessment (which Helen told me she'd read). She also told me that she'll be adding in some extra dates for home visits so that she can make sure she's covered everything, even though with Billie we booked in plenty in advance, taking us all the way up to panel, back at the start of Stage 2. If you've experienced this stage of the assessment, you'll know that trying to fit in the visits around work and home life is tough enough, and so to have to add even more in to a busy schedule doesn't fill me with much joy. Especially as I imagine that a lot of the extra sessions are simply going to be to help her out, not actually anything to do with us. 

Am I being horrible about this?

It just seems like we're going to be accommodating her, rather than the other way round. We've got to fit in extra sessions, and go over stuff again - really labouring the important points so that she doesn't miss anything - and we've got to come to a point of feeling confident that she knows us really well, well enough to match us with a baby. This is the part I'm worrying about slightly. I'm worrying that she'll be so preoccupied by the assessment - the paperwork, working out how to do it all correctly and not wanting to get anything wrong - that she'll not even really have the headspace or capacity to get to know us properly. At our meeting the other day she wasn't relaxed. We weren't simply chatting and allowing her to get to know me in a natural way. It didn't feel like it had felt with Sarah or with Billie. 

I really hope that I'm doing my usual and overreacting about this. I really hope that our first meeting the other day was the worst point, and that from now on Helen relaxes and gets into it, and makes all of us feel at ease. And I really hope that anyone reading this doesn't judge me (especially if you happen to be a social worker!).

Disclaimer: I think social workers are amazing, incredible people. I think Helen is lovely and will do her best and will be easy to talk to, and professional, and well-prepared for Panel, all of which are NOT to be sniffed at. I'm just having a wobble!