I am struggling at the moment. Things are hard. I wish they weren't. I wish I were different and I were able to feel positive and hopeful, but I'm not and I can't.
The final decision got delayed and so we are waiting for a number of weeks. More waiting. Wait upon wait. It's agonising actually. Agonising, that is, when I let myself think about it. We got the news about the delay 10 days ago and after a few days of feeling very low and sad, I have spent the rest of the time feeling quite numb. I'm not thinking about it. I have tried to convince myself that it's not happening, that it's going to be a no, and so now I am just trying to push all thought of adoption and babies out of my head.
But today it's crashed on me a bit and I've been unable to avoid it - pictures of cute babies, baby name inspiration, toddler groups, etc. It's horrible, because when we were waiting for the first hearing, which I wrote about here, I came to the conclusion that I might as well enjoy it, feel positive and let myself get excited, because surely it couldn't make me feel any worse than I was already feeling. And yet when the bad news came I did feel worse, and I wished I hadn't started to get excited and think about what life would be like when the baby came.
So I'm back to doing what I do best - being negative and assuming the worst. But it's hard, because you can't help what your subconscious is doing. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying to trick myself into believing that it's not going to happen, while actually deep down I am still hopeful that it will. It's like I've got two of me - 'Well, she says it's not going to happen, but really she thinks it will. Let's just humour her."
The judge delayed, apparently, because - first reason given: he saw some progress in mum; second reason given: he has to delay if mum contests the adoption plan, which she did. So we don't actually know what the situation is - either he thinks mum is on the right track, in which case it's likely that he will rule in her favour, or his hands are tied and he will weigh up the evidence at the end of the month and make his decision then. Helen reckons that there isn't enough time for mum to show enough of an improvement, but I'm not sure. If he's seen enough at this point to make him question the adoption plan, then surely he could choose to make a preemptive decision, based on the presumption that the changes he has seen thus far will continue. And FFA was not agreed to because there's a chance (in my mind a strong chance) that the baby will end up with mum. (I hope it's obvious enough without pointing out that I actually believe this to be a good outcome. As with all my posts, this is simply me writing from my position, my point of view. I can't pretend I'd not be disappointed but that's not for the baby's sake - it's purely selfish. And I can't pretend that the fact the baby is going back to mum would be enough to keep a smile on my face: brutal truth - I would be upset).
But anyway, I am really trying hard to put all of that out of my mind. I can't possibly know what the judge will decide or why, and there's really no use in going over it in my mind.
People's responses have been varied - some knew about the initial hearing date, and still haven't asked how it went. I'm disappointed by that and feel let down that those people aren't really following along on this journey with us. Others responded by getting back down on their knees to keep praying, whereas I for one at the moment just can't see the point. And one or two have simply acknowledged that it's difficult and painful and rubbish.
And today I am feeling extremely low. I keep thinking about all the heartache, disappointment, grief, sadness and pain of the last 8 years. Yes we have Bounce. But that doesn't erase the pain of infertility and the stress of going through this process. I feel again like we could be spared this agony by simply being kept in the dark about this match being explored. And instead we are stuck here, waiting, and all the while other vulnerable babies needing shelter are passing us by. We've had to pull out of three potential matches that we were being considered for on Link Maker. It's going to get to the end of the month, a year after being approved, and we'll be back to square one, but with considerably thinner skin, significantly more bruises, and our energy, tears, and stores of positivity running dangerously low. I am dreading it.
