This is really happening

What to say about meeting her for the first time?

Well. She is cute as a button. No, she really is. She is slightly wary of us, and the first time we went she got a little shock and turned to stare at Hubby every time he laughed. She's a great player - we spent a whole morning today just on her play mat, toys galore. She reaches for things she wants, and does these funny commando rolls which make me want to add my own "Kapow!" sound effects. All of a sudden, she's rolled to the other side of the mat. She loves crinkly noises and puts everything into her mouth. In her, Bounce has found a true dribble soulmate!

We took Bounce, two days ago. He loved every minute of it. Well, that's not strictly true; he moaned once but it was a fake moan. He was straight away himself - none of his customary feigned or genuine shyness. He found foster dad's jokes hilarious and spent the whole time giggling. He was completely thrilled with the baby, and she seemed to reciprocate his feelings. He covered her with her mat, threw teddies at her, teased her with dangly, jangly toys, and wiggled his toes in her face (apparently her favourite thing!) It was a really fun, special first meeting - we don't really think it could have gone any better for either of them.

Today we had our first 'official' intro session and we spent the morning there. It went well and we had a good time, but it was a bit odd because we spent the whole time just in one room (apart from going into the kitchen for lunch). I am keen to get out for at the least a walk or even just a gander in the garden. Hopefully tomorrow.

At the moment, it still feels like we are getting to know some new friends, and we spent the morning at their house today. Baby doesn't eat much yet, and her napping routine isn't really a routine. These are the main things that I am trying hard not to feel anxious about. Naturally, I'm worrying that she will never, ever learn to eat and will never, ever get into a routine. This is exactly what I didn't want to do, exactly what I didn't want to be like. I have wanted this for such a long time, and I always look back and see how annoying it was that I got uptight about Bounce's developmental stuff when it always turned out to just 'be a phase' (obviously!)

And so this time I really want to enjoy it - all of it. Even if it takes us a few weeks of difficult nights or her not eating very much - I want to just ride that wave and find things within those situations that are special and happy and worth valuing. I don't want a tricky element to colour the whole thing, and I know that that is a tendency I have.

So for now I am working on being relaxed, non-uptight, and optimistic (and yes I'm annoyed with myself that these are things I am having to work for). We're having a baby!!

In the shadow of disappointment

I've been living with disappointment for so long that I don't know how to feel right now.

Why do I always end up feeling so fed up with myself? For a year I've waited for this, and now it's happening I feel... flat. Tired. Anxious. Unsure. Irritated with myself for feeling those things.

We met her yesterday. She is lovely, sweet, funny - 'As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was about to happen.' She is a good fit for Bounce, too. Determined and fun and energetic and chubby!

And yes, now it does feel more real, having met her. The past week or so has felt anything but. Since hearing the news that the court order was granted, we've known that this has been coming but we've not quite believed it, still. Up until the meet yesterday, we still had only heard from Helen over text or email - not even a phonecall. I kept expecting her to call with news that things had changed - the decision has been reversed, or another family is a better fit, or they would have to delay, again, for some reason. I didn't feel like we had any connection with the baby, it didn't feel "right," we couldn't settle on a name, I didn't feel excited or prepared or eager or ready, I convinced myself that the foster family didn't like us and didn't want us involved. I'm sure it had been different with Bounce.

But even having met her now I feel similar. I don't have the worry about it all falling through, but I still haven't felt that 'magic.' This is it. This is happening. She's ours. She's coming home. Nothing like that really.

I loved meeting her yesterday, and it went well. The foster carers are nice and she obviously adores them. She was playful but not overly keen on us, not really. We know it will come. She giggled and dribbled and chewed the toy from Bounce. She let us play with her and she smiled at us. She really wasn't sure about Hubby and his laugh - kept eyeing him suspiciously.

But it felt like we were intruding. It feels like we are intruding on a happy little unit. I know this isn't the case, but it just felt like we were the outsiders, which I suppose we are. And tonight, the thought of the journey ahead over the next few months is a daunting one, one for which I don't feel ready. I'm not sure if you ever feel ready. But on top of that I don't feel eager. I just feel completely exhausted. I wonder if we should have taken a few weeks to rest and relax and take stock and recharge. After a year of waiting, it feels so quick now. The past five weeks I could have been nesting and getting things ready and telling people and preparing myself, but I couldn't and I didn't want to and I didn't. So instead now it feels like a bolt from the blue. Not unwelcome, but certainly not expected.

I'm sure I'll feel differently in the morning, maybe if I sleep well and get a couple of days to rest before formal introductions start. And I'm hopeful that once we start to build a bit of a connection, when she starts being pleased to see us and we get that spark of joy inside that comes from a baby wanting you and needing you and being pleased with you and familiar with you - that will help, surely?

I don't feel worried about the attachment, but I just wanted to note down all of this, so that later, when I'm as deeply in love as I am now with Bounce, I can look back and remember how things felt, in case we decide to do it all again!!

Surprised by Joy

Well yesterday we met our new baby! I still can't believe it, even as I type this.

Up until early last week, we still didn't know whether this was going to happen. We'd had the match, but the final decision had been delayed and we'd had to wait. I'd lived the past five weeks in a weird foggy state, not really engaging in any emotions in some ways. I was coping, but only by not letting myself think about the impending court date. If I did, I tried to simply see it as something we needed to get past so that we could enjoy a nice holiday and a chilled out summer. I prepared for a no, started to think about the new academic year and the things I'd be doing with work. I saw the court date as a bother, something that would bring more bad news but nothing new; something that I wished could be over with so that we could move on and start searching for a match again.

Spiritually, I was okay. I learnt a bit more about bringing everything to God, and not having to perform or do or say a certain thing in prayer. I was simply coming to him, as I had nowhere else to go. I had doubts and questions and grievances and complaints and I took them all to him. I struggled to pray for things, requests I mean, but I was still coming. I saw time with God, his presence, as coming to rest under a shady tree. That's the image that kept coming back to me.

But then the court date arrived - two days back to back - and I wasn't too well. Thankfully we had planned for Bounce's birthday party to clash with the court hearing so we were super busy. I spent any free moments looking for last minute holiday options, and doing endless codewords and crosswords to keep my mind busy. On the second day, once the party was done with, I felt terrible. My head was pounding and I didn't want to be anywhere near my phone; I had to give it to Hubby to keep hold of. We tried just being at home, then I tried napping, and then we just had to get out. I was restless, it was boiling hot, my head was really sore, and I was grumpy and irritable. The number of times in the past year that I've been waiting for some communication from our social worker, and still it was nearly killing me.

We went to the park for a play and then out for tea - there was something about going home that we just didn't want to do. I felt ill and had no appetite. I knew (thought I knew) what news was coming, but still the anticipation of actually hearing it was almost unbearable. Despite all my preparations for disappointing news, I couldn't cope with the thought of it actually coming. I didn't let myself give in to any daydreams about what it might be like if it were good news. Well maybe one or two slipped through the net but they were cut short within milliseconds.

And then Helen texted. And that was it.

I didn't believe her. Well, I did, but I didn't believe that it was good news. I assumed it must be partially good but that we'd still have to wait, or that someone else would have to agree, or that we'd need to sort this and that first before getting a definite yes.

But I was wrong. The judge had decided to agree with social services' recommendation for adoption, and so the plans they'd drawn up for us to adopt her would go ahead.

I cried and felt ill and we didn't know what to do or say or who to tell or what to do. And really, two weeks later, it still hasn't sunk in.