I've been living with disappointment for so long that I don't know how to feel right now.
Why do I always end up feeling so fed up with myself? For a year I've waited for this, and now it's happening I feel... flat. Tired. Anxious. Unsure. Irritated with myself for feeling those things.
We met her yesterday. She is lovely, sweet, funny - 'As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was about to happen.' She is a good fit for Bounce, too. Determined and fun and energetic and chubby!
And yes, now it does feel more real, having met her. The past week or so has felt anything but. Since hearing the news that the court order was granted, we've known that this has been coming but we've not quite believed it, still. Up until the meet yesterday, we still had only heard from Helen over text or email - not even a phonecall. I kept expecting her to call with news that things had changed - the decision has been reversed, or another family is a better fit, or they would have to delay, again, for some reason. I didn't feel like we had any connection with the baby, it didn't feel "right," we couldn't settle on a name, I didn't feel excited or prepared or eager or ready, I convinced myself that the foster family didn't like us and didn't want us involved. I'm sure it had been different with Bounce.
But even having met her now I feel similar. I don't have the worry about it all falling through, but I still haven't felt that 'magic.' This is it. This is happening. She's ours. She's coming home. Nothing like that really.
I loved meeting her yesterday, and it went well. The foster carers are nice and she obviously adores them. She was playful but not overly keen on us, not really. We know it will come. She giggled and dribbled and chewed the toy from Bounce. She let us play with her and she smiled at us. She really wasn't sure about Hubby and his laugh - kept eyeing him suspiciously.
But it felt like we were intruding. It feels like we are intruding on a happy little unit. I know this isn't the case, but it just felt like we were the outsiders, which I suppose we are. And tonight, the thought of the journey ahead over the next few months is a daunting one, one for which I don't feel ready. I'm not sure if you ever feel ready. But on top of that I don't feel eager. I just feel completely exhausted. I wonder if we should have taken a few weeks to rest and relax and take stock and recharge. After a year of waiting, it feels so quick now. The past five weeks I could have been nesting and getting things ready and telling people and preparing myself, but I couldn't and I didn't want to and I didn't. So instead now it feels like a bolt from the blue. Not unwelcome, but certainly not expected.
I'm sure I'll feel differently in the morning, maybe if I sleep well and get a couple of days to rest before formal introductions start. And I'm hopeful that once we start to build a bit of a connection, when she starts being pleased to see us and we get that spark of joy inside that comes from a baby wanting you and needing you and being pleased with you and familiar with you - that will help, surely?
I don't feel worried about the attachment, but I just wanted to note down all of this, so that later, when I'm as deeply in love as I am now with Bounce, I can look back and remember how things felt, in case we decide to do it all again!!
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