This is really happening

What to say about meeting her for the first time?

Well. She is cute as a button. No, she really is. She is slightly wary of us, and the first time we went she got a little shock and turned to stare at Hubby every time he laughed. She's a great player - we spent a whole morning today just on her play mat, toys galore. She reaches for things she wants, and does these funny commando rolls which make me want to add my own "Kapow!" sound effects. All of a sudden, she's rolled to the other side of the mat. She loves crinkly noises and puts everything into her mouth. In her, Bounce has found a true dribble soulmate!

We took Bounce, two days ago. He loved every minute of it. Well, that's not strictly true; he moaned once but it was a fake moan. He was straight away himself - none of his customary feigned or genuine shyness. He found foster dad's jokes hilarious and spent the whole time giggling. He was completely thrilled with the baby, and she seemed to reciprocate his feelings. He covered her with her mat, threw teddies at her, teased her with dangly, jangly toys, and wiggled his toes in her face (apparently her favourite thing!) It was a really fun, special first meeting - we don't really think it could have gone any better for either of them.

Today we had our first 'official' intro session and we spent the morning there. It went well and we had a good time, but it was a bit odd because we spent the whole time just in one room (apart from going into the kitchen for lunch). I am keen to get out for at the least a walk or even just a gander in the garden. Hopefully tomorrow.

At the moment, it still feels like we are getting to know some new friends, and we spent the morning at their house today. Baby doesn't eat much yet, and her napping routine isn't really a routine. These are the main things that I am trying hard not to feel anxious about. Naturally, I'm worrying that she will never, ever learn to eat and will never, ever get into a routine. This is exactly what I didn't want to do, exactly what I didn't want to be like. I have wanted this for such a long time, and I always look back and see how annoying it was that I got uptight about Bounce's developmental stuff when it always turned out to just 'be a phase' (obviously!)

And so this time I really want to enjoy it - all of it. Even if it takes us a few weeks of difficult nights or her not eating very much - I want to just ride that wave and find things within those situations that are special and happy and worth valuing. I don't want a tricky element to colour the whole thing, and I know that that is a tendency I have.

So for now I am working on being relaxed, non-uptight, and optimistic (and yes I'm annoyed with myself that these are things I am having to work for). We're having a baby!!

In the shadow of disappointment

I've been living with disappointment for so long that I don't know how to feel right now.

Why do I always end up feeling so fed up with myself? For a year I've waited for this, and now it's happening I feel... flat. Tired. Anxious. Unsure. Irritated with myself for feeling those things.

We met her yesterday. She is lovely, sweet, funny - 'As soon as I saw you, I knew an adventure was about to happen.' She is a good fit for Bounce, too. Determined and fun and energetic and chubby!

And yes, now it does feel more real, having met her. The past week or so has felt anything but. Since hearing the news that the court order was granted, we've known that this has been coming but we've not quite believed it, still. Up until the meet yesterday, we still had only heard from Helen over text or email - not even a phonecall. I kept expecting her to call with news that things had changed - the decision has been reversed, or another family is a better fit, or they would have to delay, again, for some reason. I didn't feel like we had any connection with the baby, it didn't feel "right," we couldn't settle on a name, I didn't feel excited or prepared or eager or ready, I convinced myself that the foster family didn't like us and didn't want us involved. I'm sure it had been different with Bounce.

But even having met her now I feel similar. I don't have the worry about it all falling through, but I still haven't felt that 'magic.' This is it. This is happening. She's ours. She's coming home. Nothing like that really.

I loved meeting her yesterday, and it went well. The foster carers are nice and she obviously adores them. She was playful but not overly keen on us, not really. We know it will come. She giggled and dribbled and chewed the toy from Bounce. She let us play with her and she smiled at us. She really wasn't sure about Hubby and his laugh - kept eyeing him suspiciously.

But it felt like we were intruding. It feels like we are intruding on a happy little unit. I know this isn't the case, but it just felt like we were the outsiders, which I suppose we are. And tonight, the thought of the journey ahead over the next few months is a daunting one, one for which I don't feel ready. I'm not sure if you ever feel ready. But on top of that I don't feel eager. I just feel completely exhausted. I wonder if we should have taken a few weeks to rest and relax and take stock and recharge. After a year of waiting, it feels so quick now. The past five weeks I could have been nesting and getting things ready and telling people and preparing myself, but I couldn't and I didn't want to and I didn't. So instead now it feels like a bolt from the blue. Not unwelcome, but certainly not expected.

I'm sure I'll feel differently in the morning, maybe if I sleep well and get a couple of days to rest before formal introductions start. And I'm hopeful that once we start to build a bit of a connection, when she starts being pleased to see us and we get that spark of joy inside that comes from a baby wanting you and needing you and being pleased with you and familiar with you - that will help, surely?

I don't feel worried about the attachment, but I just wanted to note down all of this, so that later, when I'm as deeply in love as I am now with Bounce, I can look back and remember how things felt, in case we decide to do it all again!!

Surprised by Joy

Well yesterday we met our new baby! I still can't believe it, even as I type this.

Up until early last week, we still didn't know whether this was going to happen. We'd had the match, but the final decision had been delayed and we'd had to wait. I'd lived the past five weeks in a weird foggy state, not really engaging in any emotions in some ways. I was coping, but only by not letting myself think about the impending court date. If I did, I tried to simply see it as something we needed to get past so that we could enjoy a nice holiday and a chilled out summer. I prepared for a no, started to think about the new academic year and the things I'd be doing with work. I saw the court date as a bother, something that would bring more bad news but nothing new; something that I wished could be over with so that we could move on and start searching for a match again.

Spiritually, I was okay. I learnt a bit more about bringing everything to God, and not having to perform or do or say a certain thing in prayer. I was simply coming to him, as I had nowhere else to go. I had doubts and questions and grievances and complaints and I took them all to him. I struggled to pray for things, requests I mean, but I was still coming. I saw time with God, his presence, as coming to rest under a shady tree. That's the image that kept coming back to me.

But then the court date arrived - two days back to back - and I wasn't too well. Thankfully we had planned for Bounce's birthday party to clash with the court hearing so we were super busy. I spent any free moments looking for last minute holiday options, and doing endless codewords and crosswords to keep my mind busy. On the second day, once the party was done with, I felt terrible. My head was pounding and I didn't want to be anywhere near my phone; I had to give it to Hubby to keep hold of. We tried just being at home, then I tried napping, and then we just had to get out. I was restless, it was boiling hot, my head was really sore, and I was grumpy and irritable. The number of times in the past year that I've been waiting for some communication from our social worker, and still it was nearly killing me.

We went to the park for a play and then out for tea - there was something about going home that we just didn't want to do. I felt ill and had no appetite. I knew (thought I knew) what news was coming, but still the anticipation of actually hearing it was almost unbearable. Despite all my preparations for disappointing news, I couldn't cope with the thought of it actually coming. I didn't let myself give in to any daydreams about what it might be like if it were good news. Well maybe one or two slipped through the net but they were cut short within milliseconds.

And then Helen texted. And that was it.

I didn't believe her. Well, I did, but I didn't believe that it was good news. I assumed it must be partially good but that we'd still have to wait, or that someone else would have to agree, or that we'd need to sort this and that first before getting a definite yes.

But I was wrong. The judge had decided to agree with social services' recommendation for adoption, and so the plans they'd drawn up for us to adopt her would go ahead.

I cried and felt ill and we didn't know what to do or say or who to tell or what to do. And really, two weeks later, it still hasn't sunk in.

This Sucks

I am struggling at the moment. Things are hard. I wish they weren't. I wish I were different and I were able to feel positive and hopeful, but I'm not and I can't.

The final decision got delayed and so we are waiting for a number of weeks. More waiting. Wait upon wait. It's agonising actually. Agonising, that is, when I let myself think about it. We got the news about the delay 10 days ago and after a few days of feeling very low and sad, I have spent the rest of the time feeling quite numb. I'm not thinking about it. I have tried to convince myself that it's not happening, that it's going to be a no, and so now I am just trying to push all thought of adoption and babies out of my head.

But today it's crashed on me a bit and I've been unable to avoid it - pictures of cute babies, baby name inspiration, toddler groups, etc. It's horrible, because when we were waiting for the first hearing, which I wrote about here, I came to the conclusion that I might as well enjoy it, feel positive and let myself get excited, because surely it couldn't make me feel any worse than I was already feeling. And yet when the bad news came I did feel worse, and I wished I hadn't started to get excited and think about what life would be like when the baby came.

So I'm back to doing what I do best - being negative and assuming the worst. But it's hard, because you can't help what your subconscious is doing. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying to trick myself into believing that it's not going to happen, while actually deep down I am still hopeful that it will. It's like I've got two of me - 'Well, she says it's not going to happen, but really she thinks it will. Let's just humour her."

The judge delayed, apparently, because - first reason given: he saw some progress in mum; second reason given: he has to delay if mum contests the adoption plan, which she did. So we don't actually know what the situation is - either he thinks mum is on the right track, in which case it's likely that he will rule in her favour, or his hands are tied and he will weigh up the evidence at the end of the month and make his decision then. Helen reckons that there isn't enough time for mum to show enough of an improvement, but I'm not sure. If he's seen enough at this point to make him question the adoption plan, then surely he could choose to make a preemptive decision, based on the presumption that the changes he has seen thus far will continue. And FFA was not agreed to because there's a chance (in my mind a strong chance) that the baby will end up with mum. (I hope it's obvious enough without pointing out that I actually believe this to be a good outcome. As with all my posts, this is simply me writing from my position, my point of view. I can't pretend I'd not be disappointed but that's not for the baby's sake - it's purely selfish. And I can't pretend that the fact the baby is going back to mum would be enough to keep a smile on my face: brutal truth - I would be upset).

But anyway, I am really trying hard to put all of that out of my mind. I can't possibly know what the judge will decide or why, and there's really no use in going over it in my mind.

People's responses have been varied - some knew about the initial hearing date, and still haven't asked how it went. I'm disappointed by that and feel let down that those people aren't really following along on this journey with us. Others responded by getting back down on their knees to keep praying, whereas I for one at the moment just can't see the point. And one or two have simply acknowledged that it's difficult and painful and rubbish.

And today I am feeling extremely low. I keep thinking about all the heartache, disappointment, grief, sadness and pain of the last 8 years. Yes we have Bounce. But that doesn't erase the pain of infertility and the stress of going through this process. I feel again like we could be spared this agony by simply being kept in the dark about this match being explored. And instead we are stuck here, waiting, and all the while other vulnerable babies needing shelter are passing us by. We've had to pull out of three potential matches that we were being considered for on Link Maker. It's going to get to the end of the month, a year after being approved, and we'll be back to square one, but with considerably thinner skin, significantly more bruises, and our energy, tears, and stores of positivity running dangerously low. I am dreading it.

All the Feels

I don't even know how I'm feeling at the moment. I can't think of a description without resorting to overused phrases relating to rollercoasters (thanks Ronan Keating). And really that wouldn't be very accurate anyway as it's mostly the down-er sections of the rollercoaster at the moment.

We are thrilled to have been matched. Totally thrilled and wonder-struck. It's what we've been waiting for.

But also, it's not really what we've been waiting for. We've been waiting for a baby - a lovely little one to come to our family, a little sibling for Bounce to be big brother to. And we are still waiting for this. But now it's different.

Someone, somewhere, has decided that we are the right family for this little one to come to. And now, a judge needs to agree that adoption is the right plan for this baby. And so we are waiting for the outcome of the court hearing, which is scheduled for sometime soon. Helen is optimistic that a final decision will be made at this hearing, whereas the baby's social worker - Lisa - doesn't seem to agree.

We met her - Lisa - the other day, and it was weird. It was a weird meeting. She was...weird. If you've read any of my other posts, you'll probably now be thinking, 'Ah - standard - she's got it in for social workers so no surprises that she doesn't like this one. Change the record.' But - it's really not like that! We just had a strange impression from her.

For starters, there was absolutely zero emotional warmth, empathy or even awareness of how we might be feeling. I don't want at all to give them impression that this situation is harder for us than it is for anyone else involved - we obviously don't think that at all. But it felt off that she made no mention of being pleased the match had been made, no congratulations, well wishes or 'ooh you must be so excited!' She made no efforts AT ALL to get to know the two of us, asked nothing about Bounce, showed no interest in how we were feeling or what things we'd being doing to get ready. The only person she showed any emotional awareness of was the current foster carers, who - according to her - are going to find it very difficult when the baby gets placed with adopters. It was weird. And I get it - she was there to share the baby's CPR and to answer questions. But still, it's not quite what we were expecting.

In contrast to Helen, Lisa was not convinced that the final decision would be made in the upcoming hearing. She kept mentioning the particular judge that's lined up and she was hinting that he would be a "difficult sell" due to this and that. She was moaning at us about things that she just "knew" would be thrown at her about the birth mum's situation, and basically was rolling her eyes at us and sort of just grumbling about what she assumed would happen. She then laughingly told us that she is going on leave the next day, and so if it's not resolved then it will have to be delayed by four weeks to await her return. Again she didn't acknowledge that this would be a bit a bitter pill.

We asked Lisa whether the baby could be moved in on an FFA basis even if a final decision isn't made, and she was very reluctant about this, despite initially reassuring us that once the baby's moved in there's no way a judge will remove them back to birth mum. She said she wouldn't want to risk this happening if we went down the FFA route; even when I pointed out that, in our understanding, this is the nature of FFA, she wasn't up for it at all. She said she would follow it up with the legal team and pursue this as an alternative, but we don't feel assured that she will do as she says.

So we have another few days of waiting - but we don't know what we're waiting for! It could be a final decision, followed by an almost immediate start to introductions (yay!), it could be that paperwork isn't finalised and the whole thing gets delayed, or it could be that the judge delays the final hearing until the baby's social worker is back off leave. Another 4 weeks of waiting would be hard.

Yeh, hard. About that....

I'm finding this period hard, and it's hard to know why it's hard. It's hard to hold onto the excitement that we've been matched, and that things are coming together to pair us up with this precious little life, while also holding back a bit because the final decision could end up being that it's better for birth mum to be given another chance. We can't fly unfettered into "YAY!" territory, arms wide and giving it everything, because this might not be it. But, we still need to prepare. We still need to get the room ready, buy stuff, tell people, and start making arrangements at work. Because it could be a matter of days now.

It feels so muddled. And I hate feeling like this. I feel like I did before, when we were waiting for a match. I've closed up a bit, shrunk back, and have got a bit tight and bitter and sad and knotted up. I don't want to let myself feel anything, so I feel partially numb, but - horrendously - it's only the positive emotions which I'm blocking out. It's so annoying and silly. There are things to feel happy and excited and hopeful about, but it's 'easier' (is it, though?) to do what I'm doing and tighten up a bit.

I've made baby blankets, I've planned the intros book, I've cleared the baby's room and I've bought a new car seat. But I resolutely have not enjoyed any of it. It's horrid. I've felt numb and almost resentful of having to do any of it. Argh I cannot express how it feels to be living this at the moment. We've shared the wonderful news with close friends, but then have had to dampen it down and invariably others are far more excited and happy than we feel. I feel exhausted emotionally and I hate it.

I was thinking earlier that if the worst happens (for us I mean - most of this is written from a purely selfish point of view) and this all falls through, then will the fact that I'm making myself feel like this now make any difference? Will I cope better with that later disappointment because I'm trying so hard now to stay reserved and distant and not going for this all wholeheartedly? Probably not. I can't imagine how that will feel but I'm certain that my current outlook won't make it any easier. So why not just enjoy this now, while I can, and allow myself to feel good and positive? Maybe I'll try it.

Match Made!

So... as of 4 weeks ago, we have a match! It's bizarre that I haven't written about it yet because in some ways it's the only thing worth writing about. I've somehow managed to waffle on for 14 blog posts without saying very much at all I suppose. But this was always intended to be a way of charting the journey, and so I suppose part of that journey is simply not really feeling like writing much.

So - how do I sum up how things have been for the past month?? Well, initially - and this is all I'll focus on in this post - there was jubilation! Helen phoned me when I was on the train, on the way home from a two day conference. It had been an interesting week. And by interesting I mean bad/good.

We had been told that there were two babies that they were family finding for, and that there were two families waiting. The odds were in our favour (even my Maths skills stretch that far), so we, and Helen, felt fairly hopeful. The first matching meeting was scheduled for a Friday, and at the end of the day we found out that the decision hadn't gone our way. We felt like we'd been kicked. We felt bruised and battered. We felt that they'd got it wrong - we really believed we were the right match. How could they not see that? How could anyone else have possibly been a better match? They had even been looking for a church-going family. If we couldn't get there even in this case, how would we ever?! We were gutted, exhausted and cross. It turned out the thing that had swung it was that the birth mother was likely to have further children, and the other adopters were in a better position to provide a home for those future children... It stung a bit, and it riled me in the same way anything riles me where I am directly affected and yet have no way of influencing events or sharing my thoughts or even entering into a dialogue.

The second matching meeting, for baby number two, was scheduled for the Monday. That day, I felt unwell all day. Not physically as such, but I did not feel good. I was permanently expecting my phone to go, and the anticipation just really got to me. I suppose I was preempting bad news. I was irritable and sad even though there was a chance we'd get good news. My response was to shut down, close in and let myself feel bad. We hadn't been told that the meeting would be taking place at the end of the day, and it wasn't until around 6pm that we heard from Helen - via email - that a decision hadn't been reached... it was, essentially, a tie break. And the decision-maker didn't see how she could make a decision any sooner than Wednesday at the earliest. Bad timing, because I was booked in on this two day conference, without Hubby, for Wednesday and Thursday. The prospect of more bad news, delivered to me while I was on my own, made me feel terrible.

I somehow got through. I mean it sounds ridiculous now; it's not like I endured an iron man marathon or had to rebuild my house after a devastating flood, or even got served a cup of tea made with skimmed milk. But it felt big - going away on my own, with friends but still, not with Hubby, having to "wear my work hat" and hold things together. I was determined not to be glued to my phone, obsessively checking it, but I must admit I didn't quite manage that.

Well I got through, and got on the train and headed home. And then Helen rang - and as soon as I saw my phone light up I knew it would be good news. Bad news and she'd have emailed. I cried down the phone, stammered out a few words, and that was that. Good news. At last.

Other people while we wait

I've been wanting to write about what it's like waiting - what it's like in terms of our interactions with other people.

It's funny, because if I were pregnant I imagine that questions about the impending arrival would be frequent, repetitive and very forthcoming. It's an easy one, isn't it, making small talk with a pregnant lady. Pretty safe and straightforward (in most cases that is). But for us, for me and Hubby, we, despite being expectant parents, are rarely asked about things. I wonder if that will change once we have a match and are actively waiting for a baby to move in, but for now the conversations are uncommon.

I wonder why it is. I think it's a mixture of things - shyness, for a start. Some people are shy about bringing up the subject. They know we've been waiting a while now, and perhaps they are anxious about upsetting me by asking about how things are going. This makes a lot of sense - why would you want to keep going on about something which, as far as you can tell, is not happening?

Other people, I think, are unsure and are put off by their lack of understanding. They don't want to say the wrong thing, they don't know the lingo, the process, the way things work, and so they avoid the embarrassment by just saying nothing. Perhaps they are aware of confidentiality and don't want to put their foot in it and make things awkward for me. So they simply leave it alone.

Others, I guess those who are closer to us, perhaps just leave it up to us to start the conversation. Often we have sent prayer requests to close friends, or little updates here and there about things that are happening, partly to keep them in the loop and partly so that they know how we're feeling and what we're going through. Perhaps these friends don't bring up the subject at other points because they know that when we want and need to, we will.

But sometimes, it makes me a little sad, this lack of chat. But other times, it makes me sad to talk about it. So I guess no-one can win! Either way, I might be sad! If I'm in certain frame of mind, someone asking me for an update might irritate me, seem too personal, a bit intrusive and insensitive. But, I think more often, a person not asking irritates me more. I can't help but make that pregnant lady comparison, and think about how different things would be if I had a growing belly. So it's a strange one, but I mustn't forget that it's strange for our friends and family too. It would be easier for them, more straightforward, if we were expecting a baby naturally, but we're not. And so they have to negotiate the situation, which, for all the above reasons, isn't very straightforward.

If you've read this post, I'm afraid that's it. Nothing very groundbreaking or worthwhile. But just something I'm experiencing and so I didn't want to leave it out.